I'm almost seven months into a year of sobriety, and I'm struggling.
In the past few weeks I've become really sensitive about being around drunk people. I'll be out, at a party or bar, and there's always a turning point in the night when everyone around me suddenly goes from being interesting and funny to shouty and repetitive. At first during my HSM I barely noticed it, but I'm tired and bored of dealing with drunk people. Now as soon as the night turns from reasonable to drunk, I leave wherever I am. And it's getting me down.
My nights out are being curtailed early, and I often ride home feeling mad and lonely. Mad, because I usually don't want to be heading home to spend the rest of the night alone. Lonely, because although I don't want to be around drunk people, I feel like I'm missing out on some fun. Worse, I feel increasingly like I don't fit in with my social groups. It's a pretty shit situation, and it's getting me down, and I don't know what to do about it.
Fact is, drinking is pretty integral to our socialising culture in Australia. I do have friends who stay sober to keep me company, but it's certainly not the norm. Nor would I ask anyone to not drink. (Friends, there is no judgement here. As you know, until recently I was one of the drunk people!) And when I do cultural things, like go to art or theatre shows, there is the inevitable trip to the bar before and after.
It's funny because I was feeling pretty comfortable and awesome about being a not drinker. I thought I would cruise for the rest of my HSM. But suddenly I'm feeling cranky and out of sorts about being around drinkers, and it's making me feel down and also pretty lonely.
I know that the only way to fix things is to figure out how to cope with drunk socialising (insist that all outings including dancing? I don't get annoyed with drunk people while dancing), or stop socialising (not appealing), or find new people to hang with (and I can barely keep up with all the people I know now!) Probably the solution will be a combination of those things, but I need to figure out what to do, and I don't know where to start. Any ideas?
How do you socialise without alcohol?
04/09/11
Nice post, i know exactly how you feel. Kind of going through my own self realisation/trying to figure out whether its me or them. I think its me. Keep searching and do let me know if you figure it out!
04/09/11
Interesting question. You’re questioning a major foundation of social existence in Austraila. You can expect to feel dislocated. I know people who don’t drink and don’t seem to mind being around drunk people. I don’t know how they do it. I think your approach is perfectly right! Leave when they get boring and shrill.
04/09/11
I’ve never been a big drinker (my migraine triggers are too unpredictable in that sense), so I know exactly what you mean. For me though, it’s a different social set; my own friends have never been binge drinkers who parade their hangover stories on Monday, so this has never been my reality. I would have fewer than five alcoholic drinks on a typical week, which includes champagne at openings and perhaps a pre-dinner spirit if having Friday drinks with staff. It’s only in a work context that I would leave an evening early, because I’m not interested in that point you describe where people become boorish. If they drink on, I enjoy cranberry juice or similar, and when the conversation becomes impossible, I make my goodbyes.
I would suggest thinking about the things you enjoy in socialising, and make more of those. Ask two or three friends out for dinner, and enjoy their conversation. Meet people at an opening, and then head out together. Curate your own evenings and take your friends with you! You’re the kind of lady people want to hang around, so that should be pretty easy x
04/09/11
I had a similar problem during FebFast. Similar in that I experienced the same issue, different in that I encountered it early into my time without alcohol (and that I only had a month without!).
The first night out or two were fine, but after that I was having the same problems: going home early, feeling removed/isolated due to what I thought wouldn’t be a big deal. I pushed myself along to another bar to meet up with friends and started getting crankier the closer they got to that ‘drunk’ stage, but rather than leave, I sat quietly and watched. When I realised what I was missing – the slurring and the drunk facial expressions (“do I really look like that?”) – I started worrying less.
It cemented a few things for me: I generally feel better about myself and in terms of health when I’m not drinking, and that I’m not missing out on much. I still experienced the fun stages of drinking, just without the drinking, and skipped out on the parts of the night that I’d *need* alcohol to enjoy. And, really, I’m not comfortable with needing alcohol to be part of/enjoy anything.
Since finishing FebFast, I drink significantly less. I think I’ve been drunk maybe two or three times since then? Having to deal with the frustration/loneliness a few times put my drinking in context for me and helped me acknowledge the things I used alcohol to enjoy. By then making the choice of drinking to be part of it or not drinking and missing out, I feel better about either. More often than not, I choose to go home and I feel good about that because I know what I’m gaining.
Am I answering your question at all? Who knows! I feel like I went off on a tangent there. I’ll try to recap. To socialise without alcohol I figured out how/why I use alcohol to socialise and what it allowed me to do in social situations (ie. how I use alcohol as a tool), then decide whether or not those results are worth drinking for. If they are, then they can realistically be achieved while sober. That may require a certain level of personal development (it did for me, social anxieties and what-not), but it’s still doable. It’s harder, but worthwhile.
All in all, I think the experience was good. Fight through it, you’ll come out the other side all the better for it, even if it may result in your leaving blog-post length comments on other people’s blogs.
04/09/11
I sometimes go straight edge for a night or a week, and yep, sometimes you feel like you hate your friends. My best sober nights are when I let myself go, channel my inner two- year old and act just like the drunks. It takes a pretty good mood to achieve, but once you’re there it seems to self perpetuate. Recommended!
04/09/11
I find drunk people a boring crowd, unless I’m drunk also. Maybe you are just getting older and realising you want more engagement from your social groups? Rather than a hazily remembered, crazy adventure everytime you go out.
05/09/11
How to deal with it? You can’t change what your friends are doing but you can recognise the behaviour patterns. Just before they get shouty and repetitive (which I can’t stand either) buy them a bottle of water and get them up and dancing. It might help to take that annoying edge. It’s at this point that I usually have a coffee as it creates just enough of a buzz that I can deal with them for just that little bit longer!
05/09/11
I agree with another comment in just letting go and running off others drunk energy. Act as if, dont worry what you look like, how you’re dancing and talk shit.
Thats not answering your question though and we shouldnt have to ACT drunk to have a good time.
If you are leaving early just feel thankful that the next morning you will wake up fresh, have the whole day to get shit done and explore your city or suburb and make the most of a clear head.
05/09/11
I think it would be a good idea as Esther said to ‘curate’ your social life a bit more. Go out with smaller groups of people (2-3), socialise more on weeknights than Friday or Saturday nights, cook for people at your own place rather than going out and going to the pub after…hmm..movies, board games, going to the beach, go out somewhere that does dessert after an art show rather than just drinks. I think if you proactively create whatever the social situation is, you are less likely to feel dislocated, and chances are people will enjoy something other than the usual night at the pub. I wouldn’t say replace your social circles, but perhaps catch up with them in different contexts where drinking isn’t ingrained.
30/09/11
Hey, after 20 years of drinking and quitting I have found it easy. Don’t hang out with people who drink. Do interesting things with interesting people who don’t drink. Play a LOT of sport. My girlfriend inspires me. She has never drunk and she looks like this: http://www.wakayogi.com
30/09/11
I’m feeling similar to you. I’ve stopped going to the pub after work on a Friday. I’m 3 months in to a 12 month challenge and can’t stand being around drunk people, but then I never could stand it. I find that getting into cycling, hiking, camping and other outdoorsy things has been awesome. Most Friday/Saturday nights I’m wiped out by 11 pm or earlier anyway! Hit the gym, get fit. Get your mates playing social sport. Soccer in the park and a picnic. You’re not missing out on anything. The late night boozers are!