Over the past 4 months, I have gained a number of accomplishments through removing alcohol from my life. The main ones (which I have outlined in previous posts) being, realising the role that alcohol plays in my lifestyle, and waking up to the beauty that i have been blind to since I came home from my year in paradise - an intention I defined in my first ever blog.

Initally I set out to complete 1 year’s HSM. This post is to tell all my fellow HSMers (not with remorse!) that I did not complete this, through my own deliberation and choice. I did think, when contemplating ending this, that after a while I would feel like I had failed. 1 year was a period of time that I set myself and mentally prepared to see through to the end, and being the determined person that I am, I thought not achieving this would feel like a downfall, something that could easily be judged as a weakness – this feeling spurred me on at times when I could easily have drank, but am glad I didn’t.
However, as time passed and I thought a lot more about what I am gaining from this experience, I realised that this is not about anybody else. This is, and always has been, a journey for me to embark on to gain the wisdom on a part of my life I felt was an inadequacy – that I have done.

I now have a firm grasp on the part that i percieve alcohol plays in my own daily living. Before I started this, I didn’t drink for any particular reason – which always left me feeling empty, disappointed and skint the next day, especially as, more often than not, I would over-do it – because my attitude was ‘drink to get drunk’. Since undertaking this, my views have completely rotated. I have not looked forward to ‘going out and getting trollied’ and having a skin full, and in the past week and a half I have been “off the wagon” I haven’t gone over the top. I am grateful to be able to enjoy and cherish for the first time a couple of drinks in the sun with my friends - a half a lager shandy, a fruit cider in the garden at a BBQ, a glass of champagne at a ball, a jack daniels and lemonade with ice… I love being able to appreciate what I have missed about the taste of alcohol, and the enjoyment of being totally engrossed in the present.
I feel as though, if i had waited until I was 18 to have one sip of alcohol and suddenly on my birthday I was exposed to a whole new world of tastes and smells and feelings, I would have felt the way I do now.

A best friend of mine explained the end of my HSM in a very apt way - Like starting a diet and aiming to lose 2 stone, and then looking in the mirror after losing 1 stone and realising actually… I quite like my size now. I am not so naive as to think that if I had continued with the full year I wouldn’t have learned more – there are always things to learn in every day on this earth, even if every day is exactly the same. I don’t doubt that I would have come to many more conclusions if more time had passed – but I certainly do not see 4 months of my chosen sobriety as a failure.

I have learned that you will never find what you seek in life when your eyes are closed. It’s of no use to fumble around blindly in the darkness of anxiety and boredom, looking for a light switch that does not exist – the lights are already on, the joy in our lives is right before our closed eyes, we just have to choose to see and believe it BEFORE it can exist.

Now that I know a lot more about the part of my life I felt let me down, I love so much more about who I am, what I stand for, what is beautiful in my life and what I count as blessings. And what is more, I can enjoy every single part of life that matters the most – the present, through choice, not circumstance.

You Choose!

When the band stopped playing, we finished our drinks (lemonade for me!) and went to sit on the terrace of a different bar, had some more beautiful food, and everyone embarked on their night of drunken debauchery. I love being able to take in every single moment – the night doesnt fly by in a blurry rush, I can remember every laugh, every smile, every singalong. HOWEVER – here comes the rub. Last night, I was so, SO very close to ending my HSM journey. I consciously don’t write ‘close to throwing it all away’, as that is not what I would have been doing. I have learned so many lessons in these 3 months that I wouldn’t have even thought about if I hadn’t had this dramatic change in my lifestyle, and had the countless conversations I have had whilst doing this. Such lessons include:

1) Learning my confidence levels at zero alcohol intake – I can decide what I would be comfortable with having NOT had any liquid confidence. I don’t feel almost ‘forced’ to drink to make it all better, to drag myself out of my shell in an expensive, unhealthy way.  Therefore, I have become a much more confident person due to wanting people to see who I am BEFORE those nights of drunken embarrassment that breaks the ice.

2) Learning a lot about what I look for in a friend. That just because previously we’d go out and get drunk and have ‘in-depth’ conversations while inebriated (which were not coherent to the sober ear), and just because they’d always invite me out clubbing at the weekend, doesn’t mean they have ever taken the time to actually get to know me. Don’t get me wrong… I love to have those drunken, hilarious conversations of “I love you man… I really do… You’re a legend” “Nono, YOU are a legend… seriously dude…” etc… but I have noticed that with a couple of people, thats all we’ve ever had. Also, that some of my friends just don’t understand why I am doing this (despite it being for my own reasons), who try and force me to drink, and can’t accept that I ENJOY being out with them, regardless of how much alcohol I have consumed. Therefore, I have experienced my friendship group shifting, to ones I choose to hang out with because I love their company, enjoy their conversation, respect their morals and values… I have gained lots of very good friends who love me for who i am, not who i was. Quality, not quantity!

So anyway. Last night, as I said, I was very close to packing it all in, and leaving it at 3 months. I didn’t though, I stayed strong! I think part of the reason was because it was exactly 3 months, and that I didnt think I would learn as many lessons as I have done in this amount of time, and so feeling very educated I felt like it wouldnt be a waste to finish it early. Another reason was because it occurred to me that the people I was with are people I now know and love to be around and people who have been best friends with each other for years, and to share a beer with them in the sunshine would make the situation, I admit, better. I feel I would be able to experience the situation more fully, which is something I never thought I would say. Also, nobody was ‘wasted’ – drinking was a bonus, not a reason to be out. Which made me feel like it wouldn’t be that bad to have half a lager shandy… because I wasn’t doing it to get hammered… I wasn’t going to do anything embarassing or wake up with a hangover.

I realised that if I was going to disappoint anyone else by ‘failing’ this, if I was doing it to make any difference to somebody else, then I would find it easier to stick to. But because I’m doing it for myself, to teach myself lessons, I am only going to disappoint myself. I didn’t think I’d mind that, but I think deep down I would. When it comes to having been sober for a whole year and having a cheeky cider with friends, I think the feeling will be much better compared to the feeling I would get from having a couple of ciders in the sun after 3 months, despite the lessons I have already learned. It has become apparent to me that I can choose to end this whenever I like. I have realised that I do ENJOY having a couple of drinks with people I already know well, and it is not something I want to remove from my life completely. If I do choose to end this early, I won’t feel like I have ‘failed’, because I did this to learn what I have done, about when, why and how I want to drink and how it benefits me.

Until then, I stick at it! I hope all the new HSM bloggers are enjoying learning their own lessons and the clarity this brings to this aspect of our lives!

This gorgeous week has been, for me, one of much contemplation, realistion and scrutiny in relation to my health and general morale. I have experienced a markedly intense urge to ‘tidy up my life’, both literally and metaphorically.

I think the initial push for me to iron out the creases in my ways was… as silly as it may sound… cleaning and clearing my beautiful bedroom. My room (as my mother will passionately exclaim) , has constantly undergone a cycle of gradually getting messier and messier until one day either I or, more commonly, Mummybear just cannot bear it, and it is treated to a good clear out. However I have suddenly, finally, acquired the ability to tidy up as I go along. And I have to say… mum was right. It is SO much easier. This recently heavenly place helped me realise other things I needed to do/write down/organise etc etc, which I then did, massively cleansing my headspace.

This sparked a decision to eat healthily, exercise more, better my posture and just generally glow again. I went on a shopping spree and filled my cupboards with nuts, seeds and berries, and re-vitalised my fruit bowl. I did the unbelievable thing which I swore, seeing as I have given up alcohol, I would never do. I stopped drinking tea and coffee. Well… I say that… it’s only temporarily. I’m sure one day I will just have one. I haven’t forbidden myself a cuppa, I just stocked up on herbal tea and stopped drinking coffee at work – and the difference has been amazing. With hardly any caffeine in my life whatsoever… no coca-cola or any other fizzy drinks, no tea, no coffee… when I DO have a caffeine hit, I can really feel the effects. Which I don’t particularly enjoy! I also didn’t realise how much better I feel when I exfoliate and moisturise. I NEVER used to do it… I just couldn’t be bothered – and now it seems vital to me! All of these new choices I have made have helped me feel amazing, I feel lighter, energised and radiant! Yay!

My brother and I also spent some quality time in the garden having breakfast, making lots of noise and having laughing attacks.

This new lust for life is the perfect accompaniment to my HSM. I am 51 days in so far, and this week I have learned an awful lot about myself and my friends. On Thursday I went out clubbing in Oxford for the first time, expecting (as I only knew a few people) to feel fairly uncomfortable or tired. As it goes, I drank water all night and I had one of the best nights out I have ever had. I met some lovely people, and fully enjoyed the company of everybody I was with. Sure… they were all under the influence of alcohol and didn’t remember the fun we’d all had the night after, but I did. And that was all that mattered. I danced just as much and just as hard as everybody else, and didn’t feel embarrassed or self-conscious, I was just happy and alive. Two days after this, on Saturday night, I went out in Leamington for my friend Sof, as it was her birthday in the week. Again I only knew a couple of the people who were going to be out and, despite the outcome of Thursday evening, I was still a little apprehensive as to whether I’d feel knackered after a while and didn’t want to be ‘the boring one’. But again… it was the most amazing night, I was surrounded by love and laughter and I met some people I really feel privelaged to know. We all had some awesome conversation which continued into the day after, soaking up the unimpeachable English sunshine in the garden – without a hangover!

I love that I have become somebody I love to be. I love that this is not difficult AT ALL. I love HSM and I LOVE YOU.

That word has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I always imagine it to be a movement – that life is in motion. We are forced to resort to metaphors to discuss ‘time’ – and the majority of these suggest it a form of conveyor belt – ahead just fog.

The past has been in front of me frequently this fortnight, but isn’t it always? Seeing as ‘the past’ is our only experience of life for us to draw reference from, when we think of ‘the future’, are we not only imagining an altered version of our past? In Western society we refer to our past as being ‘behind’ us, we are encouraged to ignore it as it cannot be changed, but also taught to use what has happened before to educate us and aid our decisions ‘later’ in life. We drag it along with us like a ball and chain, while always looking towards the horizon, waiting for what is to come. There exists a group called the Aymara from the highlands of the Andes, who have a sense of the ‘passage’ of time contrary to our own. Their language, their metaphors mirror ours. Their word for ‘past’ (‘nayra’) literally means ‘sight’ or ‘front’, and ‘future’ (‘q”ipa’) means ‘behind’. This seems more logical to me… we can’t see what is ahead of us – so why do we face it?
This week I visited the university I will be at in September studying Geography. I found myself in limbo – acknowledging the beautiful unknown of what is to come, fantasising about my future and life at university, and also adoring the ability to reminisce on days gone by… my beautiful year on the Southern hemisphere and my warm, rose-tinted childhood.

Oh, these sober thoughts…

Plus, HSM is just re-iterating the fact that everything I do and say from now on is because I choose to, and not because i am influenced to by alcohol. This just gives me extra justification to shove myself into situations where I feel uncomfortable without alcohol as a social lubricant or the nostrum to correct the unnecessary self-consciousness everyone has experienced at one stage or another… the ‘beer jacket’ we so often need in the blustery climes of the United Kingdom. Which is why it was hilarious that when my best friend Rosalie and I decided to bathe in the icy cold waters of the beautiful River Windrush, we were completely sober and were just enjoying the frivolities of life in the beautiful English Cotswolds.

There were two idiots on a bench near the stream as we were walking up it, disapprovingly calling us ‘crazy bitches’, and a number of elderly couples who found it hilarious. One would have thought it would be the other way around – the more mature sector of the population to be the ones who looked down their noses. Maybe as you get older you realise how you would live if you could live your life again. Obviously an extremely sweeping statement but… I didn’t see the two chavvy lads getting off their backsides and playing in the stream… I reckon I could have convinced the others (had it been 15degrees warmer!).

I questioned them and asked why, from their point of view, it was that they felt they couldn’t complete it themselves, why alcohol was such an integral part of our socialisation, and Sam said:  “You just NEED a pint! One day soon you will just NEED to drink. It’s like food!”. Obviously this was intended to be taken with a pinch of salt, but they too believe they have just grown accustomed to partaking in drinking on occasions when we are all together (purely because of ‘peer pressure’ for want of a better phrase. More the subtle need for recognition of the fact that you are drinking as much as the others and are therefore a ‘team player’). A mental addiction rather than physical which, despite this, they said they would find it ‘impossible’ to conquer if the need to arose. I guess I will learn more about the way it affects my group of friends when one of them isn’t drinking out of pure desire, not necessity. I’ll also learn more about how I feel, at the bar with friends and receiving more of the “Not drinking??! Are you driving? Or are you just sick in the head?” comments.

On the other side of the coin, my vow to gain new experiences was entirely fulfilled this week, by meeting up with a girl I met in Australia and instantly connected with. Bernie lives in Bristol, around 2.5 hours from where I live (which seems like nothing when you consider how long you have to drive in Australia to visit someone who lives in Brisbane when you live in Melbourne!). We have intended to rendezvous ever since I returned home from my travels, but on all 3 occasions obstacles have arisen requiring us to reschedule. This time however we both kept our time free, saved some money and drove to Wales to take in some new scenery,  to breathe new air and live differently for a week. We stayed with her grandparents, two of the most hospitable, friendly and down-to-earth people I have ever met! A week of exploring the coastline of Pembrokeshire in West Wales, having picnics and walking the winding lanes of Eglwyswrw (!) was heavenly. Every evening we returned to the bungalow to eat a home-cooked meal, followed by an hour or two of cross-stitching and giggling, complemented by hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmellows! This, apple juice and copious amounts of tea (as usual) was all I needed – I didn’t long for a night out on the town or a swifty cider… I was living in the now. My brain was not fogged with the remainders of  ‘a good night in Daventry’, I was not worrying about anything, or wanting for anything. This is the feeling I had constantly during my year abroad and HSM is motivating me to fight for it here and now. I already feel emboldened by my will, by having something in my life to aim towards, to talk about, to focus on, and i’m hungry for more.

I live in a tiny village called Byfield. I wake up in the morning to hear the peacocks squawking at the top of their lungs, to the smell of the bread my mother bakes every night, to my cats doubling as hotwater bottles and to the rolling hills of the countryside I am fortunate enough to live in. I have a little house, a beautiful family, and I consider myself the luckiest girl in the world! I don’t believe in ‘God’, I believe in love and green energy. I also believe in creating my own reality. I live my life by this motto, so much so that I have ‘You Choose’ tattooed on my wrist. Every morning I wake up knowing that today, I can create heaven, or I can create hell (and who would choose to do that?!). However, within that, I do acknowledge a certain amount of predetermination in the form of fate, or destiny, or fortune. And on the 10th May 2009, I was fortunate enough to meet someone in the most beautiful place on earth, through pure circumstance, or luck. Lucky that he liked my Nikes enough to tell me, lucky that he stayed at the same hotel… Lucky it was Chris Raine.

As of that day, learning about HSM has been the flowery path from one garden in my heaven to the next. My last feeling similar to this was arriving in Australia, on a year-long trip I decided to take, alone and free with nothing but my backpack and the prospect of my emotional and spiritual growth. That I achieved, with the help of lots of beautiful Aussie sunshine and an abundance of Tiger Eye! This time, I look forward to a year of sobriety inspired by Mr C.K. Raine. I’m not the world’s biggest drinker anyway – I wondered what was the point in my abstinence. However I also wondered what the point was in my drinking at all. The latter pondering was the most predominant and I now find myself at the start of another exciting journey of discovery.
One reason for me leaving everything I had ever known and diving out of my simple little village life was to break free from… well – exactly that. I found myself in a routine I was comfortable with but not satisfied. Having lived the most exciting, scary, amazing year of my life and learning the multitude of lessons that a 19 year old does in such a situation, I now find myself in a similar position to where I started. I’m home, I’m settled, I have a routine. Time to shake it up (without running off to the other side of the world!). HSM, you are my snowglobe.
During this next year of my life, I look forward to turning 20 and starting university, the latter I am pretty sure I will be the first person to do sober!! I am VERY intrigued. With alcohol as my ‘no’, my ‘yes’, my motivation shall be to every week, do something major that I have never done. Be it go and see a band I have never seen, go to a place I have never been… simply sense something entirely new to me. I take a solemn vow that: as of 1st March 2010, I shall not touch alcohol and EVERY DAY, my life shall satisfy my curious nature.
Bring it on – Go hard or go home.

As Christopher McCandless so wisely wrote: “So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.”