LEARNING TO DETACH – Jiveny Blair-West

I’ve been a bit apprehensive about posting these thoughts. But at the end of a day, this is my truth and I hope that in offering an alternative perspective some may find solace in their own being…forgive me if you feel this is a little too ‘deep’ for mainstream media.

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In hindsight, I’ve found that my experiences with HSM have been somewhat atypical to my own expectations. I see now how I aproached HSM from a very introspective, spiritual perspective and sometimes found myself alienated from my peers in the process.

Looking back, I connected those three months of sobriety with change, personal growth, health, purity/clarity of mind and being pro-active. While these are all beautiful things to adopt in the name of evolution, as I neared the finish line I became anxious about going back to drinking and confused with how it would fit in with my new found values.

Eventually this led to an influx of wild emotions and interesting thought streams that in the beginning I welcomed; but in the end found to be somewhat overwhelming and draining at times.

You see, I found that when I did drink again I was disappointed. Alcohol had lost it’s magic. I was frustrated and confused, chasing the euphoria of letting go that I once so adored. Now I am grieving for my lost friend; alcohol, but as I am learning, death can also be a very beautiful thing.

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THINGS…NOT AS THEY MAY SEEM (BY JIVENY)

It’s been interesting, talking to people of all ages, from all walks of life about their own relationship to alcohol…

I had an interesting conversation with my uni lecturer last night. He mentioned about how he had been trying to give drinking up for some time, but he finds himself justifying it too easily and that in the industry he works in (advertising/writing) there is such a social pressure, that giving up seems unreasonable.

Upon reflection, I realise that as rebellious teenagers we learn to use alcohol and drug consumption as a ‘status tool’. Often, such beliefs and perceptions adopted at such an age are carried on with us into adulthood…

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THAT WHICH YOU SEEK YOU ALREADY OWN – JIVENY

I don’t really drink anymore. Putting it simply: I just don’t feel that it adds anything to my experiences at this stage in my life.

But for the sake of those who may choose to take my choice personally let’s be clear: I still hold nothing against those who enjoy alcohol. I’ve enjoyed alcohol before and I hope to develop a more balanced relationship with it in the future, but for now: I’m cool without it.

I finished my HSM stint a month ago, and I apologize for not blogging much since – I know I’ve been reluctant to post  recently – pretty much because I’m over analyzing, justifying and explaining why…

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LESLEY ARFIN (RUSSH’S NY WRITER) DOESN’T DRINK (JIVENY)

Wow, so by chance I stumbled across this interview with Lesley Arfin (you may know her from her book Dear Diary, her column in RUSSH, her contributions to Vice Magazine, her blog, and her 2c worth published in magazines like i-D, Nylon, Jalouse, Purple etc. etc.) Cut to the chase; she’s a cool chick with a flair for writing.

And I would never have guessed it; but it turns out she’s a non-drinker.

You can read the interview here.

WITHOUT REGRETS (JIVENY BLAIR-WEST)

I finish HSM in a week.

And I’m really proud of myself – that I actually did this.

Without regrets.

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SO ROCK AND ROLL – By Jiveny

Driving down to the coast this weekend, listing to a compilation CD of the rock and roll I’m into at the moment left me yearning for a shot of spirits – Whiskey, Vodka, Rum or Tequilla – without a rational explanation.

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BACKLASH (By Jiveny)

I thought I’d put this out there, because I feel it holds some weight.

A friend of mine confided in me the other day.

She said:

“I’ve  started having thoughts about what life is about…how drinking only helps me when I wanna stop thinking…and how I need to get drunk to feel free.

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NORMAL = INSANE (By Jiveny)

“In society these days, normal = insane”. - Eckhart Tolle

I’ve been struggling to write a post this fortnight that I am happy with. I have been enjoying the HSM experience. It’s really opened my eyes and my heart to life…encouraged me to push past the societal boundaries of what is normal. Encouraged me to think, reflect and grow, seek natural highs and to be more confident in my own skin. But as much as I’ve had some of the most glorious experiences this past 1.5 months I’ve also felt frustrated, confused and overwhelmed at times. And though those feelings are not all directly related to HSM, there are conections and so I’ll share some of my thoughts with you here.

What’s been on my mind and bringing me down every now and again is the emphasis on being “normal”.

This idea that we have to live up to the expectations of others, and justify our actions – especially when they go against the grain. And apparently “just because I want to” is not enough of an explanation.

Consider the difference between “normal” and “natural”.

‘Normal’ means something usually done. ‘Natural’ is how you are when you’re not trying to be ‘normal’! Natural and normal are not the same thing. In any given moment you can do what you normally do, or you can do what comes naturally… If you react fearfully, resentfully, angrily, you may be acting normally, but you will never be acting naturally. - Neal Donald Walsch

What particularly troubles me is how what is natural (and often a healthier option) is often not considered normal. Instead, our culture normalizes things like binge drinking, eating heavily processed foods, sleeping less and consumerism using slogans like “live a little” to promote such behaviors. Those who choose to live more naturally are often labeled “health freaks”, “boring” and “weird” unless they can come up with a good excuse for their alternative behavior.

During this HSM journey it has been interesting hearing many adults comment on feeling under pressure to drink or justify. (So it’s not just a youth thing!) Even for them – in their mid 30s and 40s – the only excuse for not drinking that seems to suffice in their own peer group is “I’m the designated driver”. One woman even mentioned that she can’t drink due to health problems and yet she doesn’t feel that people recognize that as a legitimate excuse.

It reminds me of this moment:
A few years ago on a Friday night, a bunch of us were gathered ready to go out for a wild one when plans fell through. We were all left a little disappointed trying to figure out how to make the most of the rest of the night. I gave it an hour and then I got bored and tired and just felt like going home to chill out – hopefully make something out of the next day instead. Yet when I went to excuse myself my ‘friends’ tried to guilt trip me into staying.

When I did finally get myself out of there, waiting on the street for a cab, two others came down asking to share the cab with me. Fine by me, I’m not one to hold a grudge but thought it was interesting as these same people were so eager to keep the party going 5 minutes ago. I mentioned this to them, and they admitted that they just “didn’t want to be left behind”. A part of them knew that the night wasn’t going to go anywhere, but they were also afraid of leaving and if the night did get interesting ‘missing out’. In short, having me there – or “more people on the same boat” – made them feel better.

Anyway, my point is this:
I’d really love to see a world where our personal preferences are presented and accepted as a fact. Not an argument. Free off justifications. Free to do things simply because it’s your desire. Free.

ENJOY EVERYTHING. NEED NOTHING. (By Jiveny)

Following on a little from my last post on Image I wanted to explore ‘the romanticism of drinking’ – the messages we are bombarded with long before the age of 18, that lead us to believe that alcohol is so, so awesome.

“Corona. From where you’d rather be”

“Barcardi Silver. Your night just got more interesting”

“Pursue your daydreams. Vive Cuervo”

Yep, alcohol can be awesome. It breaks the ice and gets everyone to loosen up – conversation just seems to flow more freely, drink in hand.

It’s a symbol of freedom from reality. A time to let you hair down, socialise, flirt, live and enjoy the moment.

 Although no-one really needs more than a drink or two to get two to enjoy the benefits of alcohol and get into a pleasant state of grace, in my experience not many of us have the will power to stop at two drinks. Often, not even three.

Which leads me to believe that perhaps we are actually buying into something more…?

From studying advertising, I’ve discovered a lot about brand image and marketing. The goal in brand building is to not just sell the product, but also to create a desirable brand image that consumers can essentially buy into. In this way a brand becomes a symbol of expression, a way of sending a message out to those around you of the kind of person you are or aspire to be.

I know I know, advertising doesn’t affect you. But you know what? I think it’s influenced me.

Confession: I’ve used alcohol to express myself symbolically.

Looking back at my dates with alcohol in the past – I’ve often imagined that in my drinking I was expressing something cool. Emulating another version of that world of freedom and fun you see on the billboards and between the glossy pages of your favourite magazine.  

Perhaps I’d order a cocktail at a trendy bar to appear sophisticated.

Or I’d drink wine at a family gathering to display my adult-ness.

Maybe I’d drink a beer with the boys to prove I am a laid back and easy going gal.

Or  I’d down some straight spirits to show my “badass”, rebellious side – symbolising my eagerness to escape reality and have a wild night.

It all seemed very glamorous at the time…

In contrast, looking at sobriety’s depiction in modern media, the interpretation I am left with of a non-drinker at a party is “I’m a square”.

Which of course is a thought I’ve now dismissed…and dare to challenge

So, what am I aiming to express in not drinking?

That I don’t need anything to have a good time.

“ Hello Sunday Morning. Enjoy Everything. Need Nothing.”

YOUTH. IMAGE. CULTURE. (By Jiveny)

I think one of the hardest things about not-drinking for an extended period is in abandoning the image of it all. And alcohol and drugs do tend to hold a rather glamorous image…

I’ve thought about this a lot over the years – long before I would even consider taking on a period of sobriety like this…Why would I choose to drink or do drugs? What provokes someone to take that leap of faith and try out a new substance despite the associated risks?

My conclusion?

Image.

Now bear with me,

In life, I think one’s purpose is not to find oneself; but to create oneself.

To do so, we look at the world around us for inspiration and we do live in such a beautiful and diverse world of possibilities!

From what we see, we may choose to adopt or reject certain attitudes, values, beliefs and behaviours. And as naturally follows, we draw on these inspirations to build up our own unique “image” or “identity”. It’s our primary mode of expression as humans and this identity can stay static or change as often as we so choose.

As a teenager I subscribed to a few different identity influences –  most of which glamorised the use and abuse of alcohol and drugs. I was fascinated by characters like Edie Sedgwick in Factory girl, Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and the life of Basquiat.

I was also (and still am) in awe of the life and works of artists Ryan McGinley, Dash Snow, Ellen Von Unwerth and Nan Goldin. Their ability to document an alternate reality of shameless freedom and reckless abandon invites me to go beyond any societal limitations and see the world as a playground of opportunity.

To me, these inspirations were able to capture and document the life of freedom I’d been chasing, yet, only recently found .

In my former years, I dreamed of living like these art-gods and saw alcohol as an easy connecter to their world. After all, they were almost always under the influence of something! I wanted to share part of their warped reality and alcohol was right there, inviting me to join them – or so I thought.

For this reason, I never really got embarrassed for being drunk. I thought I was cool like them “not giving a shit” and “making the most of my youth”…Oh how wrong I was…

Looking back, for one reason or another, I was focusing on their ability to “get fucked up” - which facilitated their enchanting lifestyle - rather than the actual meaning of the works I so admired. I was young…still learning. I didn’t get the big picture. It was a phase. A journey…a trip…augmented by my insecurity as a teenager still deciding how to approach this game called life.

Now, two years on, I still appreciate what these inspirations stand for, but, I want to go one step further than them. Live a life of crazy freedom without relying on alcohol to facilitate the creation of such a reality.

As Chris says, confidence is our first nature yet we have trained our self to believe it is something we need to work at. Kids aren’t born feeling guilty, self conscious or shameful about anything – we teach them to care.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that little bit of  insight with you, knowing that image isn’t something us humans tend to talk about very openly and honestly. I think most of us are embarrassed to admit that we aspire to be like other people – perhaps some of us feel it’s not compatible with the motto “be yourself”, though, I beg to differ.

I think that through looking around us and being inspired by what we see, we can create only better and better versions of ourselves.

It’s not about wanting to be someone else, but rather, looking around you, learning from others and creating your own unique identity based on what you see and admire.