Super-hard day today… cravings were strong. When I left work this afternoon I had a gaping hollow feeling in my chest. I recognised it as my “I need a drink and I need it now” feeling. My plan was to do the grocery shopping on the way home from work, but the supermarket has a bottle store right next door and I didn’t trust myself, so I sat in the car for a while and distracted myself on my iPad until I felt confident that I wouldn’t let myself down.

I have been so grateful for all the support that I have received from this site, especially in the past couple of hard days. I would never have got this far without it (which I have proved many times!). I read a post a day or two ago (I can’t remember who from) which asked if it is healthy to replace one crutch (alcohol) with another (HSM), or should we really aim to be free and go it alone. As far as I’m concerned, right now this is a much healthier crutch for me to have, and I would fall over without one… maybe in the future I can look toward being crutch-free, but for now this is working!

I’m still struggling to understand why I have regressed so much in my thinking and desires about alcohol this week. It seemed that I was going along quite happily for a long while, being there for others and enjoying my clarity, and now I have fallen a huge way backwards. It scares me how strong the pull is. But I have made it through another day and that’s what counts.

Tonight I wanted to do something nice to distract myself so I bought some Soul Virgins drinks (partner of HSM) and have been quietly sipping them out of my wine glass. I must say, it feels lovely to wrap my hand around it again! The drinks are really good… first I tried the cranberry and lime Cosmopolitan which was nice, and now I am having a lemon, lime and mint Mojito which is absolutely gorgeous! Something to keep my hands and my taste-buds busy during what I anticipate is going to be a challenging weekend, if this week is anything to go by!

Today my boss called a marketing meeting at around 3pm.  He told me to grab a bottle of “something” and some glasses and for me and the team to come up to his office.  My boss is a great guy, but I’m reluctant to tell him about my sobriety oath.  My job is to make sure people drink wine – and drink a lot of wine – that’s the business we are in, and that’s what puts food on my table.  Not sure he would see the humour in all that IRONY!!

Anyway, he poured me a glass.  I maybe sipped it twice over the 1 hour meeting…. and then tipped the other 98% down the sink.  Much easier to pretend I was drinking than to refuse outright.  Trust me!  

I have to say I felt pretty chuffed with myself for not polishing the glass off, and then some.  And nobody really even seemed to notice that my glass was practically still full at the end of the meeting.  Score!

Carried my feeling of triumph home with me tonight and then settled for a diet coke on my blind date.  Came home feeling pretty good, and am looking forward to waking up with a clear head tomorrow.  I hope Saturday night goes just as smoothly.

Good night all – hope your Fridays are going ok – hang in there!

p.s. date went ok.  No big chemistry…. but time will tell

So, taking all this advice I went out and bought a block of Rum (I think it’s only rum essance) and Raisin Dark Chocolate to take away with me on the ship…….dark chocolate is full of anti-oxidants don’t ya know!

Well it’s my first Friday evening of my dry month challenge. I like to call the end of the week Champagne Friday, and look forward to it all week. However the past few times I’ve gone out drinking I’ve had far too much and have really regretted it. It is the main reason why I’m doing HSM.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 and a half years now. We have lived together since the very first weeks and have enjoyed a very fun, uncomplicated, easy-going relationship. I have always prided myself on how strong we are as a pair. We rarely argue, and if we do, it is resolved quickly. We are never mean to each other.

However a couple of times in the past few months I have gotten drunk and somehow have become angry at my boyfriend and picked a fight. I did this two Fridays ago and it was embarrassing to wake up in the morning and recall what I had said (that is the parts that weren’t completely forgotten =/ ) and how I had treated him. He had driven me out into town, then had come at my beck and call to pick me up. I’m ashamed to say I was a complete bitch for no reason at all. I woke up asking ‘who was this awful person id become?’ My boyfriend is an amazing guy and doesn’t deserve that. I’m surprised he didn’t lock me out!

So this particular incident was the final straw and the decider for me to try this month of sobriety.

My boyfriend and I met through mutual friends and a mutual love for partying ,and music. We have a great time out together partying, and have attended over 20 music festivals and gigs since we got together. The best part of this is that we can go to these events together, drink and party, and have the most fantastic time as a couple, and within a group. We never fight in these situations though I know that it is common for a club or festival to turn into a warzone with some couples. Friends have always commented how nice it is for them to be able to hang out with us in these situations and not feel like they are in the middle of a domestic. This fun filled aspect of our relationship is something I want to preserve. I don’t want a few out of hand nights to make my partner want to avoid being around me when I am drunk. There is a line, and you have to decide when you are mature enough to stop crossing it.

So it’s no champagne Friday and I don’t mind. Because I have a migraine and all I feel like doing is watching mentalist with my love, and the cats on the couch with the heater on. I may even break out some chocolate.

Have a good night HSMers!

Weight loss -  Another kilo gone.  Now weigh 14stone 3 lbs, (90.3 kg).  The cheque to the bigots is still there and making me think about what I’m eating.  I wonder what I’ll look like by the time the cheque has reached its six month expiry?

HSM is solid.  And I’ve been thinking about what Catherine said yesterday about how looking towards post-HSM it’s now down to the “one drink” given that hangovers or being in a state of drunkenness itself holds no intrinsic appeal.  That makes sense to me too, and like she says, that then leads to the thought, is the one drink worth it?  I’m getting a lot out of sobriety at present – a feeling of freedom.  And I’m quite into the idea of celebrating my mortgage-free status (25 July) in some way other than simply popping a champagne cork.

Self-esteem.  Not good.  OK, this next bit is a big “bloggy” but hey, it’s a blog.  Without the boring details, the new job I started in April is not for me.  I’m looking for another.  I have an interview on Tuesday for a position that I really want.  The other thing getting me down is feeling massive rejection and sadness because my gf of over 5 years probably  finished things on Sunday.  And although we have parted many times, we always got back together.  Never an easy relationship but one I had hopes for.  We both grew from being a pair of immature personalities into people who are (a bit) more grown up.  A painful process actually.  Anyway, we hardly saw each other for a long while so “the end” wasn’t a total surprise for me.  And here’s me hoping it’s not the end.  I still feel rejected though and that is not good for self-esteem.

That is my self-indulgence over for today.  I’ve actually got the day off work, taken annual leave.  And it’s another overcast, chilly morning. 

Time for a coffee.

(Day 56)  Bloody hell, just worked out how much money I would have spent on alcohol if I’d not been doing HSM.  The absolute minimum not spent is £200 and the maximum is £400.  ($321-642 AUD).  I can’t get my head around that!

Seriously, its amazing to see that this program can be just as applicable to other countries as it is to Australia. I guess we all face the same challenges and temptations, no matter where you are from. 

The succes of our launch over there is most certianly a product of the hard work of Jazz (our Community Manager in New Zealand), our incredible celebrity supporters (Dai, Mikey, Michelle, Daley and Sam) and our fantastic PR Agency, Media Key, for some expectional publicity over the past week (here is an example).

+ Next week, I will be in London – meeting with potential parters over there (hopefully to ultimately do a launch like we just did in NZ late 2012/2013) and to also meet some of you UK HSMers (yay!). 

+ Thanks so much for your feedback on how we should improve the site in last week’s blog. If you have any more thoughts – please send them through.

+ Furthermore, we are looking for some celebrity Australians to take up the challenge in this country. If you have any suggestions for people we should approach – please pass them on. 

I’m a month in, down 5.5kgs and so far not missing alcohol at all. I’ve been to a 19th, a 21st and had a night out in town which resulted in getting home at 4.30am Sunday morning – that Sunday I didn’t wake til midday however when I did I felt great, I felt alive and like I had been missing out on something! Instead of just moving from my bed to the couch I ended up going out for lunch and then enjoyed watching a few movies in the afternoon and had a great relaxing AWAKE afternoon. It was a nice change.

I’ve noticed I sleep better at night, every night! And the gym isn’t a chore nor do I have to try find the motivation to go. I thought this would be a real challenge for me as most of my social outings are to drinks or going out in town or a party where the majority of people are drinking and getting very drunk. Having spent the past four weeks as a sober person at these events has been quite amusing at times seeing how people behave and listening to the chatter and as amusing as it is; I don’t miss being part of it. I’m happy watching from afar!

I first heard about HSM on the news and thought how funny that it would hit the news at the same time I’d made this decision to stop drinking. Some of my friends have asked me (concerned) “Have you stopped drinking for good” and my answer at the beginning was “hell no, just for a month” but now that I’m at the one month mark that answer has changed to “maybe, I’m doing it for another 2 months and will see how I go”. 

Instead of succumbing I dusted off the treadmill; it’s been 5 months since I last used it. Knowing my fitness levels at the moment are rubbish I started slowly…a 30 minute jog would hopefully get my mind off having a drink…80 minutes later I staggered off the belt. My legs ached but I managed to suppress the worst of my urges. 

Another hour or so and it’ll be sack time and I couldn’t think of anything worse than having a drink now. Time to make a plan for tomorrow I guess.

So its my coming to the end of my first week and I have been thinking about things to come, especially the fact that tomorrow (sat 19/05) is my birthday. I am going to a friends place friends for a party with a few other May birthdays being celebrated at the same time. In general australian culture, well the culture I have known is that if its your birthday everyone just gets shitfaced..

I haven’t really been tempted to drink this week at all but i have been thinking about tomorrow and how strange it is going to be not drinking. This party will have about 60 people there and I am pretty sure about 95% of the people will be drinkning. I dont think I will be too tempted as I dont really want to drink but it would normally be such a normal thing to do.

I think it is going to be interesting to see how most of the people’s attitudes change the drunker they get, maybe I will get some insight on how I would look or sound to a sober person if i was in the same state as the others.

My biggest challenge at this point is what I should actaully drink, cause I would usually be holding a gin or scotch. Maybe just a lime and tonic?

What was interesting was that after the initial piss taking, most of them said it was something they would like to do but didn’t think they could! (Harden up lads)

Anyway, 1st Friday down and no damage done.

Jem 

Day two and I\’m feeling sick don\’t know if it\’s my body responding to no alcohol or if I have a tummy bug. I guess it doesn\’t matter really as long as there is no wine tonight.

We are obsessed by our liquid population …  

We have a dangerous LOVE/HATE relationship with them. There is an element of young love headiness at the start of the relationship and at the bottem of the relationship… emptiness…..it all meant nothing.  GOD

It never seems enough so we have multiple cracks at the relationship till its all gone from the bottle.  We are just unreasonable we call to have that void filled with emotional currency again and again.  It just never is enough!!

 We regularly cheat on them with all different types of other liquids. … its disgusting behaivour .  The off hand treatment – especially as we were so so in LOVE for those precious moments. The shot of love lasting 2.3sec …  tequilla never has time to connect with us its just… cruel…. using our short friends like that… we should be ashamed.

We call them names, worship them afar , gossip about there shape, size, colour,smell and even how they are dressed…My GOD What is wrong with us!!!

Physically we are amourous, we stroke their hourglass figures, caress their long stem leg and grip them in a grasp that puts an anaconda to shame.

We comment on their age – I will have a 12 (is that even legal) or a 50yr old……nationalilty, a scotch, colour: red, and white it just rascist!!!

We try and GE them with types of fruit and salt..  its rather disturbing.. The hippies are no better…  Organic pfffft – JUST LET THEM BE I SAY 

Magarettas get hit on all the time – ” Hey hey whats shaking  girl” She has a bodyache for days after that shaking – “never shake a baby” or a margaretta they try to call – to no avail…

Beer gets mocked for its “big head”  Its cultural heritage …dark, light  .We comment on its strength and weakness… AGAIN ITS JUST NOT Kosha man… 

Wine gets called…. “WHINEY”  I am sure its not winey all the time ..maybe just PMS ??  And the Rose’ well she cannot help it if she has an embarrasing mix of grapes now can she – We do backround checks on there family estates.  Were blatent, we choose them only if they come from a certain country.  

Its just NOT PC…  I say we need to see things from there side of the street. – LETS have a little empathy for our liquid population AYE

I am personally starting the movement – day EIGHT …

I am leaving them alone..and that feels right

 Kia Kaha my friends

Everyone was having a couple of drinks but didn’t bat an eyelid at me having lemonade so I didn’t have to explain myself.  I felt quite proud – pretending I was the restrained person that perhaps doesn’t like to drink during the week hah!  At a work lunch today everyone had a drink and they said you’ll have a drink won’t you?   I said “nah I’m really tired so will just fall asleep so better have a lemonade today”.  Once again felt a little smug.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that I was so shattered from no sleep but I slept all night like a log!!  It was incredible – I woke up this morning and felt so great I said to my husband (in a bubbly happy voice instead of my normal groggy, ahhh I want more sleep voice) “WOW I want another shot of that sleep drug, that is amazing!!”.  I said in a casual way (coz he doesn’t know about HSM I don’t want him to risk finding my blogs) “I might not drink tonight and see if having no alcohol helps with my sleep?”  (Meanwhile totally knowing it has everything to do with alcohol judging by the number of blogs I read about you all being just like I was awake at 2am every night while our livers try so hard to cleanse our bodies).

Hmm I am really really nervous though.  I’m at home and it’s Friday night – the perfect thing normally is to have a wine, cook dinner.  (and another wine and a couple of sneaky drinks and then maybe a sly sip of the wine straight out of the bottle)

My partner and I have a plan, arrive late, when hosts will be half cut already, get a young babysitter who needs dropping off afterwards, get a young babysitter who needs to be home by 12, drive, trump card- sick children!

And all the while my friend and I are working in the opposite direction. God! I feel horrible, nasty, underhanded, ungreatul. Let’s face it, she has no idea that I’ve had this great revelation and want better things for my life, she’s just trying to give me a good night out. Can’t wait until its over. I hope I get through without being sprung. Look at me, now it’s become more about, not being caught not drinking, than not drinking itself!! I’ve never wished a weekend away, like I’m wishing this weekend away! I’m done for already!

Today was the first time that I have ever turned up without having had something to drink the night before, heck before now I’ve even turned up there with a hangover! Occasionally there may be a comment about me being a bit “dehydrated”, ahem, yup that would be true.

I’m not about to say that this morning everything was suddenly hunky-dory and the chiro was amazed with how good I was.  Far from it, I needed lots of adjusting and am definity still a work-in-progress.  But, how many of us go to alternative clinics, go on special diets, go to naturopaths etc, and yet still drink when we get home? Who are we really kidding?

We’re off out this evening to friends house; I’m driving and I’ll take something fizzy and non-alcoholic to drink there, although I’m consuming too much sugar at the moment – I did read that that is quite common. I’m debating whether to use the not drinking because of “fitness”/ “on antibiotics” / “diet” card, I don’t think I’m ready to tell the truth!  

Good luck for tonight and the weekend!

But a part of me is a bit wistful about what I’ve left behind – nothing like a nice glass (which turns into a bottle)  of chardonnay at the end of the day – how pathetic is that???

You see, I’m battling with the thoughts that I cannot continue to improve my life without HSM facilitating change. How does HSM do this though? Why does a website that informs people of the facts on alcohol, creates a community of people who are attempting to self improve (but doesn’t watch over each and every participant with a strong hand) have so much effect on those who sign up to it? Honestly, I could easily be a booze hound and continue to write updates on my profile about the trials, tribulations and achievements of taking a drinking break. I’m sure that some people do. Unfortunately my conscious would quickly catch up with me and I would have to admit my lies to the community.

Will I always need something over my head to facilitate self improvement? Will HSM always have to be the reason I got back to enjoying music, lost weight, travelled more and saved money? Not to bash the organisation, I hope not. I hope that if I attempt to complete another HSM that I will gain self control to be able to continue to do the things I enjoy and not have drinking and partying control my life.

The fact is, HSM is currently my facilitator for self improvement. Nothing really has been recently and I shouldn’t be scared that I resorted to this, but thankful that I was given the opportunity and information to make change…

Not only that, I’ve done all the usual morning jobs and I STILL feel good. It has got me thinking back to when I was fit, healthy and not drinking so much and I remember I felt good far more often.  I was more patient with the kids, more engaged with family and friends and most of all I felt good about myself.

So I need to keep that in mind and stick with the path I am currently on and hopefully get back to that happy space. Am pleased to be feeling so positive heading into a weekend!!!

…however I\’m here now.

Kia ora

Even though I can\’t remember the last time I drank alcohol , I signed on with HSM because I think it\’s a fine way to shine a light on the NZ attitude to drinking.

I\’m not here to tell anyone what they can or cannot do or even how to do it . Promise.

I\’m here because I think it\’s a great concept that has massive potential and may help us start talking about where next to take this pisshead nation of ours . Hopefully somewhere a little smarter.

I shall whack out a more comprehensive intro soon .

Stand by .

I have booked a doctors appointment for tomorrow so will hopefully get some advice and help – It is amazing how much I was actually hiding beneath the cider!

A work friend has suggested meditation so we are heading to the local Buddhist centre on Saturday. It seems a bit surreal, a few months ago I would have laughed at her and just gone out to get wasted. But I am open for anything at the moment so I will let you know how it goes!

As for the crazy cat nappers….to cut a long, ridiculous story short….I took custody of my mums skinny elderly cat last year when I bought my first flat and he has been stolen twice in the last month, firstly by some idiot neighbour who thought he was a stray and took him straight to the RSPCA without asking around and then by some crazy woman who thought he was her missing cat and took him home for a few days before putting up a Found poster outside my house. Both times I was stressing, ringing vets thinking he was dead (my cats are my babies)! People are strange…..

See, too much drama – you couldn’t make this stuff up haha!

Hope you have all had a lovely day