Some of us wake up to ourselves, some don’t
24/07/11 • 1 Comment

The death of Amy Winehouse was a kick in the guts when I heard this morning. She’s my age and I really enjoyed both albums of hers I have. I was in the car with mates and we were talking about how it wasn’t particulary unexpected given her past history of substance abuse, and how people end up like Amy did- as a complete trainwreck, addicted to drugs and alcohol despite being incredibly wealthy and talented. At first one of my friends said she didn’t understand it- then I said I sort of could. Those days or nights where I’ve had a drink on purpose to numb things out mean i could well understand someone else doing the same. ‘To that extent though?’ My friend asked. I thought about that and said that if I was predisposed to addiction, or if I didn’t have to get up early and go [...]

Self reflection…the hardest thing to do
15/07/11 • 4 Comments

So I just finished reading ‘Rachel’s Holiday’ by Marian Keyes- chick lit that I’ve read a gazillion times before. However, in light of HSM it actually hit a bit of a raw nerve. The plot is about one of the Walsh sisters, Rachel, who is a recovering drug addict. It’s written from her point of view and starts with Rachel in complete denial about her habit and how it impacts on others. Gradually throughout the novel she starts realising she does have a problem and reasons for her drinking and drug use are explained. While I’m not an addict and do not have an addictive personality, I found that reading the book this time round, after being on HSM, was hard. I already wrote about how I’m drinking again, but not in the same way I did previously- in the book it describes using drinking and drugs to numb out [...]

Changes!
11/07/11 • 3 Comments

Well, despite not making it the whole three months alcohol free, I have kept up the positive changes, which I’m pretty happy with. Yesterday I brought a bottle of red wine with me to mums house- I’m staying here for a week with my little sister who has had some serious orthodontic work done. So I am on annual leave and thought I’d play at being nurse. Before HSM (BH) I would have drunk the whole bottle and started on mum’s white wine quite easily, especially since I didn’t have work the next day. With HSM I had three glasses over five or six hours, sipping it and enjoying every drop. I’ve had one ‘big’ night- a friends birthday. I drank quite a bit then, but again, not as much as BH! I remember the whole night, didn’t do anything too stupid (well, I fell off another wall and bruised my [...]

the balancing act…
03/07/11 • 0 Comments

  So I think I’ve written in other posts that I’m drinking again…didn’t make the full three months but still consider myself on HSM. The real challenge wasnt stopping drinking I found- it’s trying to modify how I drink and man is it hard. So far I feel I’ve been pretty good- I drink a lot less when I go out and space it with water. I haven’t yet had a hangover! I’m also not drinking for what I consider to be the ‘wrong’ reasons, ie, I haven’t come home after a hard day at work and started drinking because I feel low. I want to be able to make these changes permanent, and if I’m still drinking in this manner in six months I’ll feel like this has been successful. It’s trickier than I thought because as soon as you’ve had two drinks your brain goes ‘OM NOM NOM [...]

week…i have no idea..eight? nine?
27/06/11 • 1 Comment

OMG It’s week ten tomorrow! Thats freaking amazing! Yay for me! I have to confess I had two glasses of red wine on Tuesday last week, and a few gins on Saturday. Note the difference- I stopped at two, and only had two drinks again on Saturday…this is INCREDIBLE. The best thing is I haven’t drunk alcohol for those reasons I described before- when I’m down and am using it to forget things. Both times have been in a social situation where I felt I’d like a drink, and both times I enjoyed it so much- the taste of red wine after not drinking for ages was amazing. Anyway, despite my infidelities I still feel I’ve gotten the point of HSM and that it’s changed my behaviour towards my drinking, which was the whole point. Of course I’ll continue for the next fortnight, but I may have another glass of [...]